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(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2002 12:11 am
What Neon Genesis Evangelion character are you?
Don't mind the emotion, just trying to think of a way to remember... a way to never forget what needs not to be forgotten.
Oct. 9th, 2002
What Neon Genesis Evangelion character are you?
Don't mind the emotion, just trying to think of a way to remember... a way to never forget what needs not to be forgotten.
(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2002 12:11 am
What Neon Genesis Evangelion character are you?
Don't mind the emotion, just trying to think of a way to remember... a way to never forget what needs not to be forgotten.
(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2002 12:18 am"Red hot iron, white hot iron, cold black iron. An iron taste, an iron smell, and a babble of iron sounds." -Charles Dickens, Bleak House
My destiny must have began ever since I was a child. I never liked girls openly until I was 16, though there was one girl that I still hold a picture of in my head to this day. Her name is Elizabeth, and she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw and knew. I liked her, and I think she liked me... or at least took quite a bit of attention to me (I think it was because her father worked for one of my mom's friends) but even though I had the chance to even meet her in person, I could not say anything to her out of fear. Why? Because my mother laughed about the entire thing. I think she despised me anyway since she immediately left after I said a few brief words. Yes, it was definitely a sign of my permanent curse.
Later as I grew up, I grew attracted to another girl that was within the church. I admitted my feelings and she lied to me about her boyfriend. From that point on, I would find myself attracted to women that all had boyfriends, almost like it was fate rileing me on, onward to continue with my personal shortcomings and laughing at me for whatever I did. It was a deep personal laugh as well, for at that time I vowed to never deal with a woman that had already been commited to another man.
The first woman who found me attractive was online. I accepted her for her intelligence, though in time I was quickly forgotten. When I found her again, her screen name profile had mentioned some new guy that she was so deep for that she would actually admit it on her profile, unlike the one that I had with her. Unlike the one that I wanted to have that I hoped would save me. I wanted to be saved from my destiny and finally be happy. How fate does enjoy this game it plays on me.
This would cycle again and again, and I would finally find myself here. clutching my head like I could escape this destiny, like I could escape fate when some sort of divine law has prevented me from any scheme of sensual happiness of releasing poetry and kind works unto her. It is an impossible feat now, and I am just all the more a broken unit. This is why I must find my edge again, why I must learn hate. True hate. Seething dark hate that chars my blade and forges it into the sharpest steel. I just don't know how to apply this hate into my work. Perhaps concentration... concentration with my hate and then drawing upon it into my work... yes, perhaps that might do it. Perhaps it will be my saviour... or just another downfall.
My destiny must have began ever since I was a child. I never liked girls openly until I was 16, though there was one girl that I still hold a picture of in my head to this day. Her name is Elizabeth, and she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw and knew. I liked her, and I think she liked me... or at least took quite a bit of attention to me (I think it was because her father worked for one of my mom's friends) but even though I had the chance to even meet her in person, I could not say anything to her out of fear. Why? Because my mother laughed about the entire thing. I think she despised me anyway since she immediately left after I said a few brief words. Yes, it was definitely a sign of my permanent curse.
Later as I grew up, I grew attracted to another girl that was within the church. I admitted my feelings and she lied to me about her boyfriend. From that point on, I would find myself attracted to women that all had boyfriends, almost like it was fate rileing me on, onward to continue with my personal shortcomings and laughing at me for whatever I did. It was a deep personal laugh as well, for at that time I vowed to never deal with a woman that had already been commited to another man.
The first woman who found me attractive was online. I accepted her for her intelligence, though in time I was quickly forgotten. When I found her again, her screen name profile had mentioned some new guy that she was so deep for that she would actually admit it on her profile, unlike the one that I had with her. Unlike the one that I wanted to have that I hoped would save me. I wanted to be saved from my destiny and finally be happy. How fate does enjoy this game it plays on me.
This would cycle again and again, and I would finally find myself here. clutching my head like I could escape this destiny, like I could escape fate when some sort of divine law has prevented me from any scheme of sensual happiness of releasing poetry and kind works unto her. It is an impossible feat now, and I am just all the more a broken unit. This is why I must find my edge again, why I must learn hate. True hate. Seething dark hate that chars my blade and forges it into the sharpest steel. I just don't know how to apply this hate into my work. Perhaps concentration... concentration with my hate and then drawing upon it into my work... yes, perhaps that might do it. Perhaps it will be my saviour... or just another downfall.
(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2002 12:18 am"Red hot iron, white hot iron, cold black iron. An iron taste, an iron smell, and a babble of iron sounds." -Charles Dickens, Bleak House
My destiny must have began ever since I was a child. I never liked girls openly until I was 16, though there was one girl that I still hold a picture of in my head to this day. Her name is Elizabeth, and she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw and knew. I liked her, and I think she liked me... or at least took quite a bit of attention to me (I think it was because her father worked for one of my mom's friends) but even though I had the chance to even meet her in person, I could not say anything to her out of fear. Why? Because my mother laughed about the entire thing. I think she despised me anyway since she immediately left after I said a few brief words. Yes, it was definitely a sign of my permanent curse.
Later as I grew up, I grew attracted to another girl that was within the church. I admitted my feelings and she lied to me about her boyfriend. From that point on, I would find myself attracted to women that all had boyfriends, almost like it was fate rileing me on, onward to continue with my personal shortcomings and laughing at me for whatever I did. It was a deep personal laugh as well, for at that time I vowed to never deal with a woman that had already been commited to another man.
The first woman who found me attractive was online. I accepted her for her intelligence, though in time I was quickly forgotten. When I found her again, her screen name profile had mentioned some new guy that she was so deep for that she would actually admit it on her profile, unlike the one that I had with her. Unlike the one that I wanted to have that I hoped would save me. I wanted to be saved from my destiny and finally be happy. How fate does enjoy this game it plays on me.
This would cycle again and again, and I would finally find myself here. clutching my head like I could escape this destiny, like I could escape fate when some sort of divine law has prevented me from any scheme of sensual happiness of releasing poetry and kind works unto her. It is an impossible feat now, and I am just all the more a broken unit. This is why I must find my edge again, why I must learn hate. True hate. Seething dark hate that chars my blade and forges it into the sharpest steel. I just don't know how to apply this hate into my work. Perhaps concentration... concentration with my hate and then drawing upon it into my work... yes, perhaps that might do it. Perhaps it will be my saviour... or just another downfall.
My destiny must have began ever since I was a child. I never liked girls openly until I was 16, though there was one girl that I still hold a picture of in my head to this day. Her name is Elizabeth, and she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw and knew. I liked her, and I think she liked me... or at least took quite a bit of attention to me (I think it was because her father worked for one of my mom's friends) but even though I had the chance to even meet her in person, I could not say anything to her out of fear. Why? Because my mother laughed about the entire thing. I think she despised me anyway since she immediately left after I said a few brief words. Yes, it was definitely a sign of my permanent curse.
Later as I grew up, I grew attracted to another girl that was within the church. I admitted my feelings and she lied to me about her boyfriend. From that point on, I would find myself attracted to women that all had boyfriends, almost like it was fate rileing me on, onward to continue with my personal shortcomings and laughing at me for whatever I did. It was a deep personal laugh as well, for at that time I vowed to never deal with a woman that had already been commited to another man.
The first woman who found me attractive was online. I accepted her for her intelligence, though in time I was quickly forgotten. When I found her again, her screen name profile had mentioned some new guy that she was so deep for that she would actually admit it on her profile, unlike the one that I had with her. Unlike the one that I wanted to have that I hoped would save me. I wanted to be saved from my destiny and finally be happy. How fate does enjoy this game it plays on me.
This would cycle again and again, and I would finally find myself here. clutching my head like I could escape this destiny, like I could escape fate when some sort of divine law has prevented me from any scheme of sensual happiness of releasing poetry and kind works unto her. It is an impossible feat now, and I am just all the more a broken unit. This is why I must find my edge again, why I must learn hate. True hate. Seething dark hate that chars my blade and forges it into the sharpest steel. I just don't know how to apply this hate into my work. Perhaps concentration... concentration with my hate and then drawing upon it into my work... yes, perhaps that might do it. Perhaps it will be my saviour... or just another downfall.
(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2002 11:22 pmReiteration.
Do not think of my personal proposal with myself a plea of despondency. If anything, I consider this a sign that I'm doing something wrong and that somewhere along the divine order I screwed up somewhere. I will explain in detail.
For the longest time, I have been single as I have stated. Unlike for some, though, I have been trying to stop being single since I've had my share of troubles (I'll turn my previous entry from private to public so you'll understand more). While for those of you that have found joy, I am happy for you; ecstatic even since it is proof that you can find that sort of happiness. For me, however, I know I cannot through showing. Whenever I tried to force, I ended up losing, whenever I was passive, I ended up returning back to square one.
This show of being unable to be accepted is one of the many reasons why I believe in higher order simply because I will admit that most women I talk to say I should find that someone even though I have been permanently branded with the mark of singularity. I know there has to be a reason for this, and I doubt it is to think that whatever powers there are are cruel ones. There is something in the way, and I know I have to find it and conquer it or else nothing will change, even if it means I never conquer it in the end.
This is my new quest. I must find more introspection in myself and purge myself of women again. I know I am doomed to fail, but remember that I also believe I'm two poles of introspection that should never have been allowed. Until I find myself again through all this... I know I will have to follow it.
"All I really want to say,
is you're the reason I want to stay
But destiny is calling me
and my time is up again
So I'm... out of here!
I love you good bye"
-Ben Folds Five (slightly mangled in lyrics)
Anywho, that's my two cents.
Do not think of my personal proposal with myself a plea of despondency. If anything, I consider this a sign that I'm doing something wrong and that somewhere along the divine order I screwed up somewhere. I will explain in detail.
For the longest time, I have been single as I have stated. Unlike for some, though, I have been trying to stop being single since I've had my share of troubles (I'll turn my previous entry from private to public so you'll understand more). While for those of you that have found joy, I am happy for you; ecstatic even since it is proof that you can find that sort of happiness. For me, however, I know I cannot through showing. Whenever I tried to force, I ended up losing, whenever I was passive, I ended up returning back to square one.
This show of being unable to be accepted is one of the many reasons why I believe in higher order simply because I will admit that most women I talk to say I should find that someone even though I have been permanently branded with the mark of singularity. I know there has to be a reason for this, and I doubt it is to think that whatever powers there are are cruel ones. There is something in the way, and I know I have to find it and conquer it or else nothing will change, even if it means I never conquer it in the end.
This is my new quest. I must find more introspection in myself and purge myself of women again. I know I am doomed to fail, but remember that I also believe I'm two poles of introspection that should never have been allowed. Until I find myself again through all this... I know I will have to follow it.
"All I really want to say,
is you're the reason I want to stay
But destiny is calling me
and my time is up again
So I'm... out of here!
I love you good bye"
-Ben Folds Five (slightly mangled in lyrics)
Anywho, that's my two cents.
(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2002 11:22 pmReiteration.
Do not think of my personal proposal with myself a plea of despondency. If anything, I consider this a sign that I'm doing something wrong and that somewhere along the divine order I screwed up somewhere. I will explain in detail.
For the longest time, I have been single as I have stated. Unlike for some, though, I have been trying to stop being single since I've had my share of troubles (I'll turn my previous entry from private to public so you'll understand more). While for those of you that have found joy, I am happy for you; ecstatic even since it is proof that you can find that sort of happiness. For me, however, I know I cannot through showing. Whenever I tried to force, I ended up losing, whenever I was passive, I ended up returning back to square one.
This show of being unable to be accepted is one of the many reasons why I believe in higher order simply because I will admit that most women I talk to say I should find that someone even though I have been permanently branded with the mark of singularity. I know there has to be a reason for this, and I doubt it is to think that whatever powers there are are cruel ones. There is something in the way, and I know I have to find it and conquer it or else nothing will change, even if it means I never conquer it in the end.
This is my new quest. I must find more introspection in myself and purge myself of women again. I know I am doomed to fail, but remember that I also believe I'm two poles of introspection that should never have been allowed. Until I find myself again through all this... I know I will have to follow it.
"All I really want to say,
is you're the reason I want to stay
But destiny is calling me
and my time is up again
So I'm... out of here!
I love you good bye"
-Ben Folds Five (slightly mangled in lyrics)
Anywho, that's my two cents.
Do not think of my personal proposal with myself a plea of despondency. If anything, I consider this a sign that I'm doing something wrong and that somewhere along the divine order I screwed up somewhere. I will explain in detail.
For the longest time, I have been single as I have stated. Unlike for some, though, I have been trying to stop being single since I've had my share of troubles (I'll turn my previous entry from private to public so you'll understand more). While for those of you that have found joy, I am happy for you; ecstatic even since it is proof that you can find that sort of happiness. For me, however, I know I cannot through showing. Whenever I tried to force, I ended up losing, whenever I was passive, I ended up returning back to square one.
This show of being unable to be accepted is one of the many reasons why I believe in higher order simply because I will admit that most women I talk to say I should find that someone even though I have been permanently branded with the mark of singularity. I know there has to be a reason for this, and I doubt it is to think that whatever powers there are are cruel ones. There is something in the way, and I know I have to find it and conquer it or else nothing will change, even if it means I never conquer it in the end.
This is my new quest. I must find more introspection in myself and purge myself of women again. I know I am doomed to fail, but remember that I also believe I'm two poles of introspection that should never have been allowed. Until I find myself again through all this... I know I will have to follow it.
"All I really want to say,
is you're the reason I want to stay
But destiny is calling me
and my time is up again
So I'm... out of here!
I love you good bye"
-Ben Folds Five (slightly mangled in lyrics)
Anywho, that's my two cents.