(no subject)

I don't need people to comfort me or anything, I'm just stating what I consider the obvious.

I am a creature of divine fate. Nothing and no one can go beyond my destiny. I say this because I am affixed to it and nothing can stop me from it because I have tried. Goodness, I have tried. No matter what, I am not going to find a person that is my own to remove the singularity cursed upon me.

For years I have tried to escape this destiny. It's not like I want to. For so long I have been this hopeless romantic driven to write verses and the like. I tried to bury the poetry through my prose, bury the emotions through my analytical nature, and tried to bury the memories through my games. It's a watery corpse, however... it keeps surfacing and I keep succumbing.

Through my person experiences and the weathering of my soul, I have lived the life of a lone being, a singularity, a unit that is self-sufficient as a being of one... but it is hard trying to continue the singular life when you are bombarded by the happiness of couples and you are forced to see only their happiest moments before you, tempting you like candy made from demonic hands to tempt the babes. The truth of it is... I'm a hopeless romantic.

Yes, I write romantic sonnets, I think of love sonatas and I write various pieces of affection. I find love stories beautiful and I can't help but think of the happiness that they portray in the end of these blasted stories. In short, I am two poles of an end that should not exist for sake of reason... yet I do.

And today I realize again the redundant reality that keeps being expounded upon me year after year after year: I am to remain a singular unit. I am to stay a singular unit. Nothing can be done to stop this destiny.

So why hasn't fate desensitized it out of me?!?!

Five years ago, this same thing happened to me and upon that time, I commited myself to celibacy from all things related to relationships in the hope of becoming the edged knife, the blade to be shaped by the whims of schooling. It worked, but only to a certain extent: Tulane University was a cesspool of decadence and I was smackdab in it all.

Today, I would try it, but I lack something. I think it is anger. Anger was what fueled me through the times I felt like crying to sleep, anger fueled my need to be perfect, anger fueled my need to prove that I could be better than anything given to me. I lost all my anger somewhere... I just need to revive it, need to coax it into a spurning cast of life until it consumes me again and I can drown in the brilliant joy of it all. Maybe it's because I no longer can look down on people. It leaves me feeling balanced, but I lack initiative and I lack the ability to burn the hate into me. Even though I feel the spurn of it all rile me on right now, I already know that when I wake up, I will forget most of this... and I will wake up as another lethargic soul. I just need to remember... I need to remember how to unlock the emotions within and feed them properly... and hopefully...

-the blade grows sharp again.

(no subject)

I don't need people to comfort me or anything, I'm just stating what I consider the obvious.

I am a creature of divine fate. Nothing and no one can go beyond my destiny. I say this because I am affixed to it and nothing can stop me from it because I have tried. Goodness, I have tried. No matter what, I am not going to find a person that is my own to remove the singularity cursed upon me.

For years I have tried to escape this destiny. It's not like I want to. For so long I have been this hopeless romantic driven to write verses and the like. I tried to bury the poetry through my prose, bury the emotions through my analytical nature, and tried to bury the memories through my games. It's a watery corpse, however... it keeps surfacing and I keep succumbing.

Through my person experiences and the weathering of my soul, I have lived the life of a lone being, a singularity, a unit that is self-sufficient as a being of one... but it is hard trying to continue the singular life when you are bombarded by the happiness of couples and you are forced to see only their happiest moments before you, tempting you like candy made from demonic hands to tempt the babes. The truth of it is... I'm a hopeless romantic.

Yes, I write romantic sonnets, I think of love sonatas and I write various pieces of affection. I find love stories beautiful and I can't help but think of the happiness that they portray in the end of these blasted stories. In short, I am two poles of an end that should not exist for sake of reason... yet I do.

And today I realize again the redundant reality that keeps being expounded upon me year after year after year: I am to remain a singular unit. I am to stay a singular unit. Nothing can be done to stop this destiny.

So why hasn't fate desensitized it out of me?!?!

Five years ago, this same thing happened to me and upon that time, I commited myself to celibacy from all things related to relationships in the hope of becoming the edged knife, the blade to be shaped by the whims of schooling. It worked, but only to a certain extent: Tulane University was a cesspool of decadence and I was smackdab in it all.

Today, I would try it, but I lack something. I think it is anger. Anger was what fueled me through the times I felt like crying to sleep, anger fueled my need to be perfect, anger fueled my need to prove that I could be better than anything given to me. I lost all my anger somewhere... I just need to revive it, need to coax it into a spurning cast of life until it consumes me again and I can drown in the brilliant joy of it all. Maybe it's because I no longer can look down on people. It leaves me feeling balanced, but I lack initiative and I lack the ability to burn the hate into me. Even though I feel the spurn of it all rile me on right now, I already know that when I wake up, I will forget most of this... and I will wake up as another lethargic soul. I just need to remember... I need to remember how to unlock the emotions within and feed them properly... and hopefully...

-the blade grows sharp again.