(no subject)

[zesty_pinto]

I don't need people to comfort me or anything, I'm just stating what I consider the obvious.

I am a creature of divine fate. Nothing and no one can go beyond my destiny. I say this because I am affixed to it and nothing can stop me from it because I have tried. Goodness, I have tried. No matter what, I am not going to find a person that is my own to remove the singularity cursed upon me.

For years I have tried to escape this destiny. It's not like I want to. For so long I have been this hopeless romantic driven to write verses and the like. I tried to bury the poetry through my prose, bury the emotions through my analytical nature, and tried to bury the memories through my games. It's a watery corpse, however... it keeps surfacing and I keep succumbing.

Through my person experiences and the weathering of my soul, I have lived the life of a lone being, a singularity, a unit that is self-sufficient as a being of one... but it is hard trying to continue the singular life when you are bombarded by the happiness of couples and you are forced to see only their happiest moments before you, tempting you like candy made from demonic hands to tempt the babes. The truth of it is... I'm a hopeless romantic.

Yes, I write romantic sonnets, I think of love sonatas and I write various pieces of affection. I find love stories beautiful and I can't help but think of the happiness that they portray in the end of these blasted stories. In short, I am two poles of an end that should not exist for sake of reason... yet I do.

And today I realize again the redundant reality that keeps being expounded upon me year after year after year: I am to remain a singular unit. I am to stay a singular unit. Nothing can be done to stop this destiny.

So why hasn't fate desensitized it out of me?!?!

Five years ago, this same thing happened to me and upon that time, I commited myself to celibacy from all things related to relationships in the hope of becoming the edged knife, the blade to be shaped by the whims of schooling. It worked, but only to a certain extent: Tulane University was a cesspool of decadence and I was smackdab in it all.

Today, I would try it, but I lack something. I think it is anger. Anger was what fueled me through the times I felt like crying to sleep, anger fueled my need to be perfect, anger fueled my need to prove that I could be better than anything given to me. I lost all my anger somewhere... I just need to revive it, need to coax it into a spurning cast of life until it consumes me again and I can drown in the brilliant joy of it all. Maybe it's because I no longer can look down on people. It leaves me feeling balanced, but I lack initiative and I lack the ability to burn the hate into me. Even though I feel the spurn of it all rile me on right now, I already know that when I wake up, I will forget most of this... and I will wake up as another lethargic soul. I just need to remember... I need to remember how to unlock the emotions within and feed them properly... and hopefully...

-the blade grows sharp again.

Comments

[alouqua0.livejournal.com]

Oh Don =0( *hugs*

Re:

[zesty-pinto.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it, it's just fate calling me and telling me that I cannot escape it. I will not be able to. Not yet, not until I understand why I am given this divine order. I may sound demented right now, but I cannot fathom any other reason behind this since efforts have only shown me wrong or feeling out of place. My true conclusion is to find that project and to hopefully use it to help propel me out of this sealed fate.

[samunderani.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry, i didn't know it bothered you.. you'll find her, you know. you're too nice a guy for girls not to notice. =)

Re:

[zesty-pinto.livejournal.com]

No no, you don't understand. It's divine fate. It has to be. Don't worry about it, it's just something I need to accept by myself since I know that if I don't accept it now then I'll just be doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past. I've thought that it could be defeated before, but I was wrong. Terribly wrong. What I'm contemplating is that there is something inside me that I need to destroy or bury even deeper... deep enough so that it won't burn outside of me again and make me feel miserable.

There is truth to be said in ignorance is bliss. I just need to find that ignorance... and to continue sharpening my edge.

Re:

[samunderani.livejournal.com]

i stand by my earlier assessment. you are too nice for girls not to notice. maybe you're being too hard on yourself and one likes you right now.. i believe in love. i know i'm corny, but i do. and i believe you'll find it.

[socialclone.livejournal.com]

I had resolved that my fate, too, was to be alone, and look at me? Being a hopeless romantic is nothing to be ashamed of, and certainly nothing to bury. It's part of who you are. If you try to bury it it'll just sit there and fester and keep resurfacing. Mmmm, festering romanticism. Doesn't that sound lovely ;P No more divine fate stuff. Whatever will be will be. You cannot decide what fate has in store for you before fate itself has a chance to figure it out.

Re:

[zesty-pinto.livejournal.com]

I don't know, ever try so hard to escape something that it will not let you escape no matter how much you struggle and toil? I've had that happen to me twice in my life. The first time it happened to me was in Tulane when all I did was feel out of place and get mistreated by professors. The second was last night, when I realized that for all my efforts, they're useless. Maybe you're right, maybe you have something going on about that, but I think fate has ordained it to me... maybe it is so I can write the ideal novel through the emotions I am toiling with, maybe thruogh finding a way to encourage myself to subside it. Regardless, I am still the singular unit and efforts proved naught but failure to me. Don't think of this as complete despondency though... I just think that I was brought back with a new quest.