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Nov. 3rd, 2002 06:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zesty_pintoFor the life of me, I'm speechless. Er, not literally.
It's happening again, the damned sensations of loneliness, laced with hopelessness. They tend to come in pairs, one inner demon to weaken the self, the other to conquer while weakened. I think it's this weekend. This weekend is an internal battle with my soul, and this entry is to remind me that this might happen again. No, more like it will happen again.
For the past three years I have studied psychology to figure out and understand my inner turmoils in the hopes that it would help me figure out others in the process. It's worked to a particular degree where I have become an overly more sociable person and the like, but I still suffer with some poor pieces in my mechanations. The strongest are the anxieties. I've been able to prove succesful against them for awhile, but my anxieties cannot be defeated so easily.
It's because of failure. I worry about failure, about doing something for someone but then having it go completely wrong, about my grand scheme falling apart in one huge topple. Perhaps this was why I always was a hopeless romantic, since it gave me ideals, it gave me something bright to think about to cover the gloss, it gave me a chance to think of someone I could find who would help me through life to conquer them. I suppose it is my sign that I am weak. All beings are weak in a certain category, I should not be surprised that I am weak in this way.
But acknowledging it proves nothing. Actions perhaps will prove it. Moping will only let me revel in it. It is time I picked up the blade that is my soul and wielded it properly again into a fitting form to win. And I... am a winner.
Whew, I feel better already! Souvenirs are at stall 4 folks, I've got a few things to do in the meantime ^_^
It's happening again, the damned sensations of loneliness, laced with hopelessness. They tend to come in pairs, one inner demon to weaken the self, the other to conquer while weakened. I think it's this weekend. This weekend is an internal battle with my soul, and this entry is to remind me that this might happen again. No, more like it will happen again.
For the past three years I have studied psychology to figure out and understand my inner turmoils in the hopes that it would help me figure out others in the process. It's worked to a particular degree where I have become an overly more sociable person and the like, but I still suffer with some poor pieces in my mechanations. The strongest are the anxieties. I've been able to prove succesful against them for awhile, but my anxieties cannot be defeated so easily.
It's because of failure. I worry about failure, about doing something for someone but then having it go completely wrong, about my grand scheme falling apart in one huge topple. Perhaps this was why I always was a hopeless romantic, since it gave me ideals, it gave me something bright to think about to cover the gloss, it gave me a chance to think of someone I could find who would help me through life to conquer them. I suppose it is my sign that I am weak. All beings are weak in a certain category, I should not be surprised that I am weak in this way.
But acknowledging it proves nothing. Actions perhaps will prove it. Moping will only let me revel in it. It is time I picked up the blade that is my soul and wielded it properly again into a fitting form to win. And I... am a winner.
Whew, I feel better already! Souvenirs are at stall 4 folks, I've got a few things to do in the meantime ^_^
